POEM - I was a child of God for 16 years (2022)

I was a child of God for 16 years 

a poster child

untouched skin 

golden hair glowing in the shape

of a God-given halo

placed on my head 

while I dropped to my knees

and Hailed Mary 

for the 7th time that evening,

because my tears glassed over my eyes 

and I lost count of the rosary beads 

while I swallowed and spat out my sins

during confession 

their weight crushing my throat 

as I barely whispered

‘Forgive me Father for I have sinned.’

graphic descriptions of hell surround me

I run through fire to reach His hand 

as I watch everybody else

fall at second base

hunched over with bloodied knees

and black eyes 

coughing up acid that ignited into flames

with every glance Satan shot their way 

I was warned that i could end up there too 

if I failed one of 10,000 commandments

it never did stop at 10.

I prayed religiously

thanked Him, or Her, or Them

for my blessings, few and far between

while I prayed for things 

that grew increasingly out of my reach 

rainbows, unicorns, happiness, and my entry to heaven. 

no matter how hard I begged 

or chugged from that chalice 

I received nothing.

my pleas grew in frequency

but my sins grew alongside them

my halo turned to thorns and cut me deep

and it watched me beg God to make it 

stop.

when I whispered my Our Fathers each evening

I carried the weight of the world on my spine

and my shoulders buckled under the weight 

of the wooden cross that i carried 

like a rucksack.

I tried to think of ways in which Jesus had it worse

and it’s true that he was stood up - but so was I. 

I was 16 when I started swerving the right hand of the Father.

school told us the dangers of being a whore 

while they tried repelling the human sexual urge

with chastity cards and preachers

silently praying any gay away with Holy Water 

while the teenagers screaming loudly 

were ignored - it was God’s will.

‘Jesus loves you!’

but not enough to love the love

that they want to hold them 

not enough to stop the torment

simply not enough. 

I was God’s child for the 16 years

it took me to realise 

that i could never be his child. 

I couldn’t walk on water,

I couldn’t turn it into wine, 

I couldn’t gracefully carry the thorns

without blood seeping into my eyes,

turning landscapes crimson.

I was a child of God for 16 years,

and I’ve been an orphan for 3.