POEM - one for sorrow, two for joy (2022)

I killed someone last night,

because I forgot to lock the back door.

it sounds crazy when I say it out loud,

but a dark shadow came crawling in

leaving sweat trails on my tiles,

like a mucus-ejecting slug,

and before I could even stop it,

it had killed everyone I had ever cared about

all because I had forgotten

to lock that door.

this morning I think I remembered to lock it.

one

two

three

no.

one

two

three

no.

my class was meant to start fifteen minutes ago

and I’m standing here

trying to lock my door

in a way that feels ‘natural.’

and I’ll do it one more time

because THREE is a good number

and only then, I’m sure, the door will be so locked

that the room will become airtight,

and all of my evil spirits will suffocate.

I think I locked my door this morning

one, two, three - click!

I don’t like how on average

i spend sixteen hours awake

or how I blink roughly 14,400 times a day

so I try and flutter my eyelids faster to

fill them empty 0s

and knock back black coffee at 1am

to elongate the curves on that sixteen

to make it twenty,

because I like the number twenty.

so I’ll think about this twenty times to make sure

that the door from earlier

stays locked.

I saw a singular magpie on my way here

so I bought a hat and tipped it three times.

magpies were said to be the only birds

that didn't comfort Jesus

or sing when he was crucified

and in that moment

I had never felt so alone.

one for sorrow two for joy

the magpie has landed here to destroy

my time.

because in the time it has taken me

to buy the hat

and tip the hat

in a way that the hat

felt just right

on the tips of my fingers

I’ve wasted the average amount of time

that a human is awake

battling to keep an imaginary death at bay.

because I did not kill someone last night

but something is killing me.

that three-letter word

and its restrictions

constricting every part of my body

and I feel like I will never be free.