PROSE - Life begins at 40 (2023)

One day I will be 40. I'll go shopping for peppers, and I'll be upset if I forget to buy salt. My arms are covered in bruises and scars, but not from my adolescent years, the family dog nipped me again. I laugh. One day I will be 40, and I will text my group of middle-aged, like-minded friends and I will have forgotten what it was like to be 21 and lonely. I go out to brunch, and I sit on the sunny porch to top up my vitamin D. Iron tablets and folic acid are the only medications I need now that I'm 40. I don't need to stabilise my mood, my mood is fine. My brain is fully formed, and sometimes I'm sick of working. Only another 25 years to go. I'm sick of capitalism, just like I was when I was 16, but at least I enjoy my job, at least I enjoy my life. I still speak to my supervisors from university; they’re about 70, frail but full of life. I can't wait to be 70. At one point I didn't even want to make it to 17. Now that I'm 40, I don't care what others think. I dyed my hair pink last week, just like I did at 22. I wish I could show my old friends, but we stopped talking at 30 - I realised that I deserved better. Now that i’m 40, people have stopped joking about suicide. I've been waiting for this moment for 19 years. I'm 40 now, but grief hasn’t gotten any easier. I miss my grandmother and I miss her each day. It's a shame that being 40 doesn’t absolve you of the mental wounds that you experienced as a pre-teen. I have my own money now, and I like to buy candles and sweet treats, some things never change. I'm 40 now, but I still listen to the same music as I did in my 20s. My kids think I'm ancient and super uncool, but I'm just glad that I've kept the music around that kept me around. I'm 40 now, and I'm proudly middle-aged. I think life really can begin at 40, if only you let it.